I feel like the last few weeks have been like a see-saw of emotions. I mean so bad that my students actually asked me if I was having a baby because my mood was so inconsistent. Great...huh? It all started when Josh and I ran into some problems and had to postpone our wedding. With that came a bunch of insecurities and doubt. Josh is so wonderful and always so positive and confident. I on the other hand analyze every detail of my life. "Why did this happen? What is God trying to tell me?" I will continue to seek God's voice until I hear it. And today, I heard it. YAY! Not literately spoken to me, but finally after weeks was able to find peace about an idea that just made sense.
This Wednesday starts the lenten season for many walks of faith. Generally, the type of worship I participate in doesn't participate in lent. But, I've always observed as a special way to thank Jesus for His sacrifice. In the past I don't feel like what I chose to "give up" was for His benefit but secretly for my own (weight-loss) cheese, chocolate, facebook. Well, this year for lent I'm giving up Josh. Crazy, right?
Why am I doing this you may ask?
It's easy for me to say, "Lord, I give you all of me." But, do I really mean it? I thought I did. But, I started reading this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I quickly realized I've never given every part of me. The whole relationship/love part I thought I'd just keep to myself and figure it out myself. I liked to think that God was in control so it made me feel better about my decisions. But, after I started reading this book I was totally wrong! Right now I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of saying , "okay, God I'm giving you this part of my life and I truly trust you". I've always been afraid to do this because of the potential outcome that could just ruin everything! But, I'm not as afraid anymore. I tried to hard to figure out what God wanted me to do in this recent situation and I realized today he just wants me to "stop" and turn this area of my life over to him. So I am, I mean I will, on Thursday. On Thursday I am visiting Josh for the last time then beginning my 40 day challenge to crave God on a daily, hour, minute bases.
Months ago when I asked God if I was to marry Josh, I was praying and fell asleep during my prayer. I was startled by a voice that woke me in my mid-sleep. I heard, "Song of Solomon". It took me a minute or so to put together what I just heard and relate it to the bible. As soon as I realized what happened I grabbed by bible and searched for the song of songs. I had never read this part of the bible before so I was really curious about what I just heard. I nearly jumped out of my bed when I read the little summary about this book of the bible. I read the entire book then read it again and again. A verse that stuck out to me over and over was "do not awaken love until it so desires" Well mistake #1, I was not obedient to what I just read. I was so excited about God speaking to me I didn't even listen to what he had to say. 2 months later Josh and I were engaged. Talk about awaking love...duh. Well I was disobedient and now I really think that God calling me to him in a huge way. Recently, I prayed hard for direction and roadblocks and that exactly what I got...roadblocks.
For the next forty day I am limiting and isolating myself from the things that distract me from my time with God; food, people, tv, facebook, etc. I feel that God is calling me for an even more intimate relationship with him and I am responding. During these next 40 days I will be posting thoughts, scripture, and prayers throughout my journey. I am so excited to see what happens when I build my life around worshiping and learning more about my creator.
I know to many this whole thing doesn't make sense. Probably because there is just so much to say and I just can't put my words together in the right way to make it make sense.
A passage from the book that I'm reading:
When obeying God is a chore we are forced to do , it becomes a lifeless act of drudgery and we complain the whole way through. God becomes the Big-No-Fun-One who is trying to make our lives miserable. But when we learn who God really is and we base our decisions on a passionate love for Him, we find joy and delight in obedience. We even want to go that extra mile for Him.
This is phenomenal, Miranda! Wow!
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