Failure and Success

Ah, so many things to say. I feel like many things I get really excited about I generally don't follow through on.

For example, deciding I'm going to run in a 5K. I've trained for a 5K three times now and never finished the training. Signed up for 2 races and never ran them. Three weeks ago I started the training again and the last time I ran was about a week and a half ago. So, once again....fail. I'm so tired of not following through with the things I say I'm going to do. Maybe, I expect too much of myself all at once. I don't know, that's just an excuse to make me feel better.

Another example, the Air Force. Now, I can't say that I didn't follow through with this because I just did, but it's wayyy later than what it should have been. The Air Force has been in contact with me since October about a singing position. I sent my CD and resume and they asked for more song selections before they invited me to come for a live audition. Well, drug my feet and never sent it in. Then, in the middle of February they emailed me asking if I was still interested because the position hadn't been filled yet. So, in that moment I was like, okay I HAVE to do this. This may be my answer and I've been ignoring it because I'm afraid to leave Josh for that long during basic training and yada yada. Anyway, I sent them additional songs and an updated resume and cover letter. I feel very very confident about the material that I sent them, so now I'm just waiting. Checking my email obsessively and crying out to God in prayer. I feel like I'm begging and I know that God isn't going to change my will because I'm crying and begging like a 5 year old. But, this is the job that I've been thinking about since I was 18. If I don't get this one, I'll keep trying and applying until I'm hired. But, I'd absolutely love to have this one. Of course, I'd have to move smack dab in the middle of the country. Omaha, NE. Just by looking at Omaha online...I'm in love, I can envision myself there and can call it home. Live in the suburbs, get paid for singing, make some babies and live happily ever after. haha I really am dreaming. (it's also 20 degrees warmer right now, just saying) Anyway, I didn't let failure get me on this one! SUCCESS!

Another thing that I do that drives me absolutely crazy is....books! I love reading. I probably buy a new book every week. So one can imagine how many books I have. How many have I read? Eh, not quite sure but less than half of what I've bought. I get so excited about reading a book, then a little over half way through, I stop reading. I have so many unfinished books. I started reading this awesome book a few weeks ago and I should be more than finished with it but I just stopped reading. I'm not allowing myself to read another book until I finish this one!

My point is that I really am trying to knock this habit that I've started. Going to finish the 5K and go back and read the ending of all the books I didn't finish. I know those are minor things but it will help me feel like I'm getting ahead. But, most importantly at some point all those things I was really excited about I believed in. How am I supposed to know what God has in store for me if I don't follow through on things I believe in?

Trust

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you,

O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

So I've barely made it through a full day without talking to Josh. Starting on Monday is when it will really be in effect. But, last night, desperately wanting to hear his voice, I began to wonder if I could really do this. We have strange guideline about this whole thing: we can call when it's an amergency, to discuss non-relationship things, share really great news - like getting a job, and we can talk and see each other on Sundays. So I began to think how I'd miss his morning text telling me how beautiful I am, how blessed he is to have me or sending me a bible verse to ponder throughout my day. Then I thought about how I felt when I didn't receive that kind of text in the morning. I'd begin to worry, "What if? What if he was running a fire call last night and something terrible happened and he's in the hospital? What if he got into an accident on his way to work? What if he is laying in a ditch somewhere and no one is looking for him?" That's when I get all crazy and call and text like a mad woman. Then, as always, I am much relieved to hear that he just forgot his phone, or it died, or he was on a call, etc. But, during all these thoughts I just started to think this whole idea is just crazy! He really could be in an accident, who would look for him? How would I know that he is okay if I'm not texting him every other hour like before? I started to get really upset and nervous. I mean days could go by without talking to him and he'd be in the hospital or dead and I would never know because I've taken a vow to spend time with the Lord.

I woke up this morning remembering the dialogue that played through my head the night before. "Oh, crap! Seriously God I can't do this. I have to know that he is okay every second of the day. How will I know he is okay if I'm not talking to him?" Then God in words that sounded something like this said, "You have to trust that I'm going to take care of him, while I take care of you." Whew! Immediately, I was comforted by an overwhelming sense of security knowing that I can trust God during this time in my life. God is just so good and faithful. I am so thankful for my salvation and that I can turn all my fears and doubts to him and truly know that it will be taken care of. Ahh so nice.

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.

~Mary C. Crowley

Peace Out

I am free to run

I am free dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

I have this burning desire to peace out. I need new scenery, something completely different. Generally, most people hate change but I live on change. I don't know if that's a good quality or a bad one, I guess it depends on the situation. But, I know I really feel like God is calling to something great, I don't what it is or where it is but I'm ready to go. Even if it's just something completely random for a few weeks or so, I'd be satisfied with that. So I am praying that God will show me the path he has planned for me. I also pray that I will be obedient to what he is calling me to do.

...and God I pray that it's someplace warm, cheerful, a full of people. But, if I end up in the middle of nowhere I'll take it because I know it's your plan and your plan is perfect.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I belong to You for 40 days...and every day after.

I am so excited about the adventure I am about to take.

I feel like the last few weeks have been like a see-saw of emotions. I mean so bad that my students actually asked me if I was having a baby because my mood was so inconsistent. Great...huh? It all started when Josh and I ran into some problems and had to postpone our wedding. With that came a bunch of insecurities and doubt. Josh is so wonderful and always so positive and confident. I on the other hand analyze every detail of my life. "Why did this happen? What is God trying to tell me?" I will continue to seek God's voice until I hear it. And today, I heard it. YAY! Not literately spoken to me, but finally after weeks was able to find peace about an idea that just made sense.

This Wednesday starts the lenten season for many walks of faith. Generally, the type of worship I participate in doesn't participate in lent. But, I've always observed as a special way to thank Jesus for His sacrifice. In the past I don't feel like what I chose to "give up" was for His benefit but secretly for my own (weight-loss) cheese, chocolate, facebook. Well, this year for lent I'm giving up Josh. Crazy, right?

Why am I doing this you may ask?

It's easy for me to say, "Lord, I give you all of me." But, do I really mean it? I thought I did. But, I started reading this book "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I quickly realized I've never given every part of me. The whole relationship/love part I thought I'd just keep to myself and figure it out myself. I liked to think that God was in control so it made me feel better about my decisions. But, after I started reading this book I was totally wrong! Right now I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of saying , "okay, God I'm giving you this part of my life and I truly trust you". I've always been afraid to do this because of the potential outcome that could just ruin everything! But, I'm not as afraid anymore. I tried to hard to figure out what God wanted me to do in this recent situation and I realized today he just wants me to "stop" and turn this area of my life over to him. So I am, I mean I will, on Thursday. On Thursday I am visiting Josh for the last time then beginning my 40 day challenge to crave God on a daily, hour, minute bases.

Months ago when I asked God if I was to marry Josh, I was praying and fell asleep during my prayer. I was startled by a voice that woke me in my mid-sleep. I heard, "Song of Solomon". It took me a minute or so to put together what I just heard and relate it to the bible. As soon as I realized what happened I grabbed by bible and searched for the song of songs. I had never read this part of the bible before so I was really curious about what I just heard. I nearly jumped out of my bed when I read the little summary about this book of the bible. I read the entire book then read it again and again. A verse that stuck out to me over and over was "do not awaken love until it so desires" Well mistake #1, I was not obedient to what I just read. I was so excited about God speaking to me I didn't even listen to what he had to say. 2 months later Josh and I were engaged. Talk about awaking love...duh. Well I was disobedient and now I really think that God calling me to him in a huge way. Recently, I prayed hard for direction and roadblocks and that exactly what I got...roadblocks.

For the next forty day I am limiting and isolating myself from the things that distract me from my time with God; food, people, tv, facebook, etc. I feel that God is calling me for an even more intimate relationship with him and I am responding. During these next 40 days I will be posting thoughts, scripture, and prayers throughout my journey. I am so excited to see what happens when I build my life around worshiping and learning more about my creator.

I know to many this whole thing doesn't make sense. Probably because there is just so much to say and I just can't put my words together in the right way to make it make sense.

A passage from the book that I'm reading:

When obeying God is a chore we are forced to do , it becomes a lifeless act of drudgery and we complain the whole way through. God becomes the Big-No-Fun-One who is trying to make our lives miserable. But when we learn who God really is and we base our decisions on a passionate love for Him, we find joy and delight in obedience. We even want to go that extra mile for Him.